Harry Potter and the Order of the Lightbulb
by Nuckpang
Summary: Look into my crystal ball, far into the future, to a time when the 6th Harry Potter film has just been released. What are Harry and the gang up to? Why is Ron on the floor trying to make a sandwich? And WHY didn't Harry bring a torch?


Disclaimer: I own several CDs, I own some clothes, I own a guitar, I own a large collection of books, I own a story or two; however, despite owning all these things, I do not own Harry Potter©, or it's affiliates. Alas.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, with the release of the recent third Harry Potter film, and the not so recent release of the latest book (Order of the Phoenix) a trend has been truly established, with the Harry Potter franchise getting darker and darker.

In light ( ----- WITTY PUN!!!! LAUGH NOW!!!) of this recent development I have done all fans a massive favour, and cast my mind forwards into the future. There I have watched the 6th film be made, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Lightbulb", where, we can see, this darkening trend has continued.

WARNING: May contain nut traces

The scene opens in a very dark room.

Harry:Hermione?

Hermione:Harry?

Harry:Where are you?

Hermione:I'm over here.

Harry:Where's "here"?

Hermione:I'm over beside the wardrobe.

Harry:But where's the wardrobe? I can't see a damn thing!

Hermione:I'm over here! Can you follow my voice?

Harry:I'll try. Keep talking.

Hermione:...

Harry:Hermione?

Hermione:Sorry, I'm just trying to think of something to say.

Harry:Anything! It doesn't matter!

Hermione:Em, well... Crookshanks is doing well.

Harry:Keep going, I think I'm getting closer.

Hermione:Well, he's moving up in the food chain. He used to just kill mice, but now he's moving on to things which normally eat mice, like hawks, owls, other cats-

Harry:OW!!!

Hermione:Harry?

Harry:Damn, damn, bugger! I stubbed my toe on something.

Ron:Yeah, me!

Harry:Sorry Ron!... Em, what are you doing here?

Ron:Same as you, just trying to make myself a sandwich.

Harry:...In the Griffindor common room?

Ron:...Oh, this isn't the kitchen? No wonder I couldn't find the fridge!

Hermione:The Griffindor common room? What are you talking about, we're all in my bedroom for a secret meeting on what to do now that Cornelius fudge has become the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, remember?

Harry and Ron:...Fudge is the new Dark Arts teacher?

Hermione:Yes!!! Weren't you there?

Harry:Dumbledoor said Snape got it!

Ron:But I thought Lupin was back?

Harry:Can someone _please_ turn on the light?

Hermione:I can't find the switch.

Ron:Neither can I.

Hermione:Maybe because you've been lying on the floor for the last half an hour trying to make a sandwich.

Ron:Oh like you're "Little-Miss-Perfect!"

Harry:Look, squabbling won't get us anywhere!

Hermione:...Harry, is that you?

Harry:Of course it's me! Who else would be sensible in a situation like this?

Hermione:No, I mean is that your hand on my arm?

Harry:Oh, yeah, I think so. I just touched someone anyway.

Ron:Harry, haven't you been here with me since you stumbled over me?

Harry:No, I kept looking for Hermione.

Ron:Then who's this sitting beside me?

Aragog:Hello again.

Ron:ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Harry:WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TURN ON THE DAMN LIGHT?!?

Hermione:Wait, I'll try a spell. ALUMINATUM!!!

Harry:...It didn't work!

Ron:(Tremblingly) Is it gone?

Aragog:Oh no, I'm still here.

Ron:Eep.

Harry:Are you sure that was the right spell?

Hermione:Em...not really, no...Wait a minute! This isn't my wand!

Harry:No?

Hermione:No...I'm not exactly sure, but I think it's your broomstick!

Harry:Really? Can I have it?... Hey, you're right, it is my broomstick!

Hagrid:No I'm not!

Harry:Opps, sorry, it was Hagrid all along.

Hagrid:Bloody righ' it was.

Ron:Don't you think this story is getting a little character packed?

Snape:Not at all.

Buckbeak:Well, personally I think it's getting a little bit confusing.

Snape:Well you would, wouldn't you?

Gandalf:I'm not entirely sure that I'm meant to be here.

Harry:STOP, STOP, STOP!!! Everyone shut up!

All:...

Harry:Ok, now, does anyone have any sort of light?

(There are assorted mumblings, as people rummage through their pockets, but no-one has anything)

Harry:All right then, does anyone know where we are or what we're doing here?

Ron:No.

Hermione:No.

Snape:Not really.

Hagrid:Och no.

Gandalf:No.

Buckbeak:I'm afraid I do not

Aragog:Mooooooooo.

Nearly-Headless Nick:Not a clue.

Fire-man Sam:No.

Harry:All right. Well, if we can just-

(The area is suddenly flooded with light, and the group find themselves in a huge, white, perfectly square cavern. It is totally bare, apart from a gigantic jar of mayonnaise, a 20 foot tall bottle of milk, a huge tub of butter and a half empty packet of enormous sausages. One of the walls of the cavern is pulling away, and Voldemort's giant face appears.

Cut to a reverse angle shot, so we are looking over Voldemort's shoulder, on the tiny Harry Potter characters. Voldemort is wearing a floral night-dress and cap)

Voldemort:...What the hell are you all doing in my fridge?


End file.
